Shut up and just read.

Idealism

Cheating seems so easy to get away with nowadays. With the advent of the worldwide web, we can have multiple interests at one time, fueled by clicking through provocative pictures, late night chats, and an exchange of flirty messages via email. It’s disheartening to think that at any given point, any one of us can be replaced by someone far more interesting, far more hot, and far more intelligent — or at least that’s what they seem like on their Facebook profile. Even the shy ones can scour the net for hotties with bodies and spark up a conversation … with a simple emoticon at that. The web has become a veritable playground for roving eyes and hearts, and so we ease into a world where substitutes are readily available and our hearts become a shared space.

I’ve been dating for 14 years now (yes, even before some of you were born — *cries* *soaks dentures*) and I have had my share of relationships with all types of men. Sure I’ve dated the cheaters, but I’ve also dated great men as well. Cheating aside, finding a good man or woman nowadays isn’t easy. Some may be great on paper (great school, awesome family, and involvement in healthy activities) but a lot of them are at a mental and emotional level of a dating-zygote, lacking common relationship-sense. I know men and women who are so hell-bent on idealism, yet they don’t act on their own idealistic views. I know men and women who are set on finding their fairytale mates and yet they don’t know how to be a prince or princess themselves. I know men and women who think if a relationship isn’t perfect from the get-go it may not be worthwhile, and yet they don’t put in the effort and expect the relationship to play itself out. If not, well, maybe it wasn’t meant to be! Easy right?

This isn’t being idealistic – it’s being foolish. A lot of teenagers and young adults fall into this trap because they become so enamored with the idea of love that they may search for it in individuals who may not espouse the qualities they desire in a partner. This is why I always tell young folks to date but very casually. As sad as this is to say, dating so seriously may result in broken hearts at an early age, and multiply that by however many partners you’ll meet in your life before marriage. This is why so many people are SO bitter regarding relationships and they’re not even really old yet! Take it easy. What’s the hurry? Love is a whirlwind of a teacup ride at Disneyland — not Space Mountain where excitement comes and goes in such a short period of time.

Let go of your idealistic notions and take on a more realistic approach. I’ve come to realize with time that Idealism based on little experience and lack of effort (so many people just expect great things to happen without putting in much work) doesn’t equate to an ideal relationship/situation. You young folks don’t have so many experiences to really know but trust me. Idealism, built on experience, surety, and wisdom reaps the rewards a relationship truly deserves. 

Idealism is borne from the knowledge you gain through experience. Yes, shitty experiences included. With that wisdom, you’re able to set your feet on a foundation sturdy enough to rest these ideals on. I used to feel disenchanted because my idealism had been damaged due to these harrowing experiences with the wrong men. Now, I’m glad it had been because these experiences, this hard work and persistence, have helped me to affirm the worth of my current relationship to make it ideal for me. Hell, these past relationships have helped me to realize the worth of ME. I also realized that always looking for that patch of greener grass never makes a person happy. Ideal is the person I have next to me now, not a fanciful notion of a perfect being I’ve never met or have made a checklist for. 

My Tales of Psychotic Men

(Don’t do what they did.)

I’ve done my fair share of dating, and have come across a good number of guys who were not only insecure but borderline psychotic. The funny thing is, guys generally tend to think that girls are the ones who get psychotic because we’re the emotional ones. We’re the ones who get jealous, insecure, needy, and teary. However, there are plenty of men out there who are so focused on pointing the finger that they don’t realize they themselves can be a bit on the crazy side if provoked.

Case #1:

Mr. D expressed to me that he was interested in me. Okay, thanks. He told me that he would like it if we can start dating exclusively, and I said, “Well, let’s just take it slow. Let’s get to know each other first.” I was never into being exclusive with someone right off the bat because hey, you have to test drive the car (or a few cars) before you settle on what you want to purchase.

Mr. D found out that another guy was trying to pursue me, and he immediately became jealous. At the time, Friendster was quite popular and he used that website to contact this gentleman. Mr. D told him to stay away from me because he already had dibs.

Rule #1: Don’t be a possessive, aggressive, stalker guy, ESPECIALLY if you don’t even have the girl yet. Even if you have her, she is not a possession to be had. Be cool. Being possessive really shows through to your insecurities, and trust me — girls don’t like insecure guys. We like guys who are confident, guys who are sure they are good enough to keep a girl like us. 

Case #2:

Mr. B and I dated for over a year. He seemed, at first, to be quite sure of himself so I was hopeful that he wouldn’t be a jealous, overbearing boyfriend. Well, that didn’t last very long. I realized that it had all been a facade, and his true insecurities started to show through.

One time, I came home after school (college) to find him in my room looking through my computer. He was checking my emails, looking through the letters I had on my desk, and sorting through random folders I had in my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he immediately got in my face and accused me of cheating on him because he saw a few emails where a friend told me he couldn’t wait to see me when he got back from being stationed abroad. 

Rule #2: Don’t make assumptions. And don’t get in her private space. Trust me - you’ll look like a dumbass. Who likes being accused? Don’t go through her things, and definitely don’t jump to any conclusions based on what you find. This SCREAMS a whole other kind of insecurity. 

Case #3:

Mr. M is a truly unique case. A week after I rejected him, I found a beautifully wrapped gift on my doormat. I saw that it was for me, and opened it immediately. What did I find inside? A dead bird. With its wings cut off. Waste of a bird, waste of beautiful wrapping paper.

Mr. M never admitted to gifting me this atrocious surprise but I knew it was him. He was trying to get revenge through passive-aggressive means, and it seriously put him on my “Psychos List.” He is #1 on that list.

Rule #3: Don’t be petty. Getting revenge may make you feel better in the moment but it won’t get you the girl. In fact, word will spread that you’re crazy, and you know what? This world is way too small. And getting revenge by being passive-aggressive is the worst kind of revenge. If you’re upset about what happened, let the girl know and talk it out. Being spiteful and mean doesn’t make the situation any better, and being a passive-aggressive guy makes you a big girl.

Case #4

Mr. O was a super “macho” guy who loved to get into fights. If a guy looked at him in a way he didn’t approve of, he’d approach the guy and give him a mouthful of mean words. He bragged about getting into fights in jail with big men, and always told me he could take anyone who tried to take me away from him.

Rule #4: Don’t be a caveman. Just because you have two fists and a pair of feet, it doesn’t mean you need to extend it onto others. You think fighting will make you look cool to girls? Sure, immature, insecure girls will think that’s hot. But any girl worth having won’t want a guy who is confrontational with an overload of testosterone. Guys who are quick to anger and fight are trouble. We can easily think that that anger can easily transfer over to us should we upset you. Why would we want that?

Case #5

Mr. J was needy beyond repair. He constantly needed my attention, and when I couldn’t give it to him, he’d look to other girls to get it. Geez man, how much attention do you need? Just because I’m away, it makes it okay for you to flirt with other girls? People like this don’t change; they will always need that extra bit of affirmation. And from my experience, it’s generally people who constantly need attention who won’t have any qualms about cheating.

Rule #5: Don’t be needy. Don’t be an attention-whore. Don’t be a crazy flirt. Even if you’re single, being such a big flirt makes a girl you may be interested in — a bit uneasy. She may think that if you can flirt this much with her, you can flirt that much with someone else. And if you’re that guy who always needs attention, a girl can be put off by that because we want someone who can be independent and focused on himself — not someone who constantly needs someone to mommy him. Why would that be attractive at all?

Overall, there are far more things on this list but I won’t bore you. Girls can definitely be this way too, so my point is that girls aren’t the only ones who can act in a psychotic manner. If you want to attract a good girl, don’t do these things. It’s a huge turn-off. I mean … if a girl were to be this way, would you want to date her? 

Yeah, I thought so.

How to be a good boyfriend…

… and this doesn’t mean you buy her a whole lot of Hello Kitty crap, either. 

You know, young girls think they like tall, cute, bad boys who have a lot of guy friends, and have a “cool” hobby like b-boying or gun-shooting. The thing is, if you, as a guy, are not like this, or you do not do this, don’t fret. Girls get over this stage with time. Trust me. 

What girls don’t realize at their itty-bitty age is that none of that matters because guys will change with time, and their hobbies will change as well. The gun-shooter may soon turn into a history buff, and that b-boyer may or may not continue dancing. He may turn out to be a great philosopher. In the end, what really matters?

Heart.

(Now if your cool guy with those b-boy skills and gun-shooting, trigger-finger has a wonderful heart, then have at it.)

Growing up (and older), I’ve dated all kinds. I’ve dated: a 6’7” basketball player who played for a national team, a Navy Seal, a heart-surgeon, a model, a broke-joke of a guy, an avid Starcraft player, an actor, a lawyer, a race-car driver, and a white guy who looked like Prince William (with hair, pre-Kate Middleton era). 

This list wasn’t made to impress anyone. In fact, this list is mighty UNimpressive. Why? Because most of these men didn’t have heart. Okay, don’t take me literally but they just weren’t very genuine.

While I was dating them, I thought — “Wow, great credentials, good-looking, nice … what more can I ask for?” Well, there was a lot more I could have asked for. Having great credentials doesn’t make for a good boyfriend; it makes for a good career. Being good-looking doesn’t make for a good boyfriend; it makes for a pretty face to look at. Being “nice” doesn’t make for a good boyfriend; it makes for a good, human being. 

What I mean by heart is someone who is genuine. Someone who sees the good in others, and wishes to do good unto others. Someone who truly appreciates their loved ones for who they are, regardless of where they come from or what kind of history they have. Someone who will protect you not because you need protection but because they treasure you. Someone who will hurt with you, cry for you, and be happy with you. Someone who will celebrate your successes harder than anyone else, and who will pick you up when your house of cards come falling down. 

It’s hard to find someone with heart. He can have money, humor, and all of the superficial goods but in the end, he has to treat you well. Whether he has the dance moves or the karate skills to spin your world around, if he doesn’t have heart, he shouldn’t have you. It’s as simple as that. Really.

Next topic: Insecure Girls

I’m too tired to write a real post…

… but I will say this:

Selfish, stupid girls ruin good guys for everyone else.

(I don’t necessarily write these posts to anyone in particular; I randomly come up with relationship topics based on my own experiences and flashbacks of the past.)

For the selfish, stupid girls out there — when you’re in your late teens and twenties and have a hard time finding a good man who’ll treat you like a princess, don’t complain. At some point, you or some other selfish, stupid girls got to these good guys first, and turned them into assholes.

I have known so many guys who were so good to their girlfriends when they first started dating (whether it’s in high school or whenever) — only to realize they had been disrespected, taken advantage of, and used. What kind of a guy with any self-respect would continue on like this? So naturally, they turn into assholes to protect themselves from dumb girls like you.

My dad always told me to find a man who will love me more than I love him. Why? Because then I’ll be set for life. I’ll have a man who loves me so much, he’d be willing to do anything for me. Do you know how many guys there are in the world who will actually do that? I say a girl’s chance of finding a man like that who will do that for her (and someone she will actually like back) is less than 5%.

So hey, you selfish, dumb girls reading this now — I really do hope you learn all of this the hard way. I really do hope that you’ll date men who will humble you. Maybe when you get your heart broken, you will realize that once, so very long ago, you let a good guy go. And while you’re wishing for those days of blissful love from back in the day, he’s probably out there somewhere with someone who will actually appreciate him.

And you know what? He’s better off because you didn’t deserve him anyway.

You think you’re a good girlfriend…

… but you have no idea.

Girls generally tend to believe they are good girlfriends. They think being sweet, cute, and loving is all it really takes.

WRONG!

They don’t take into account that respect, encouragement, and support are equally, if not more, important. So what if you’re cute? So what if you dress well, and you get along with his friends? Those just don’t cut it.

Because I know most young folks have A.D.D., I will break it down with bullet-points. You may think, “Oh this is just her opinion” blah blah but you know what? If you’re sitting there thinking this, it’s probably because you simply don’t fit into the category of a good girlfriend. I am writing this from the perspective of someone who has been a girlfriend for 15 years, someone who has observed many women and men who have shared with me their ideas on what makes a good or bad girlfriend. 

You’re a GOOD girlfriend if you:

• Humor him - Even if you don’t think he is all too funny, just be playful and good-natured and make him feel like he is a funny guy. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE BY DOING THAT?

• Respect him - If he voices his concerns over something, listen. If he asks you to do or not do something, consider. If something about YOU bothers him, don’t get defensive but pay attention;

• Encourage him - So you don’t think he can make that half-court shot during his basketball game. You don’t tell him that! You tell him he can do it. He thinks he is going to fail his Science exam. You don’t bark at him to study more - you tell him it will be okay and that he will do well if he keeps up the good work. A good girlfriend will not make her boyfriend stress more or doubt himself. A good girlfriend will boost her boyfriend’s confidence by using kind words and a gentle tone;

• Honor him - (and your relationship) by staying loyal and being honest. Understand that YOU made the choice to be in a relationship with this person so at least honor that decision by staying loyal. Being honest is not just something you should do in a relationship but something you should do, essentially, as a human being. A person who lies to get themselves out of sticky situations is someone who lacks character;

• Support him - You two are a team. If someone is saying negative things about your man, you don’t sit there and add to that. You defend your man. You tell those other people to flip off. EVEN IF YOU AGREE with what that other person is saying, you don’t SAY IT. What kind of a girlfriend talks crap about her boyfriend?

Scroll down a bit more to read what makes a girl a BAD GIRLFRIEND.

You’re a BAD girlfriend if you:

• Degrade your boyfriend by saying negative things about him either to his friends, your friends, or to his face;

• Act like a princess and demand things from your boyfriend. Being bossy isn’t cute, and certainly don’t confuse it for being “feisty” or “sassy.” I swear girls who order their boyfriends around call themselves feisty like it’s cute. It’s not. You’re not entitled to anything you can’t give back;

• Are a psycho hypocrite. Don’t tell your boyfriend he can’t talk to girls or hang out with his friends when you’re checking out those cute boys at The Grove and spending time with your girlfriends ALL THE TIME. Play fair or don’t play at all;

• Make him feel stupid by cracking mean jokes at him or by flirting with other men in front of him or to his knowledge;

• Speak in another language (he is not familiar with) in front of him, about him. I have so many Korean students who speak negatively about their boyfriends (who are not all Korean) in their native language and that’s just rude. How would you feel if you were sitting there and your boyfriend started talking to his friends in a language you were not familiar with? Rude!

• Hang up the phone on him, walk out during an argument, or ignore him. Don’t play petty games or shut him out by refusing to talk to him. These are all immature games people play when they clearly don’t respect the person they are with. Because if you really DID respect your boyfriend, you’d want to hear what he has to say. Hanging up, walking out, or ignoring him just means you are selfish;

• If you’re an attention-mongrel who loves getting attention from other boys, GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP. Don’t be a player; it’s really not cute. And you know what? Girls who need affirmation from boys by needing their attention all of the time says one thing and one thing only: YOU’RE INSECURE. Because if you’re confident in yourself, you don’t need others to feel good about yourself;
  
  
• Do something your boyfriend doesn’t like, or hide things from him when you KNOW it will bother him if he finds out. Don’t be a sneaky little wench;

• Make him feel emasculated. Make your boyfriend feel like the man he is. Don’t have him hold your purse, or have him wrapped around your finger. Don’t tell your girlfriends that your boyfriend is so whipped, he will do anything for you. You may feel cool for that moment, but you’re really making your boyfriend look stupid;

• Don’t try to get along with his family or friends. They are important people in your boyfriend’s life. If you can’t respect his loved ones, you don’t respect him;
  
  
• Try to make your boyfriend jealous. Really, how immature are you to purposely tell your boyfriend things just to make him jealous? Do you really need to do this to confirm your boyfriend likes you? Don’t tell him about other guys liking you. Don’t tell him about all of the attention you get. This SCREAMS insecurity;

• You don’t respect yourself. If you’re going around having sex with different guys (trust me, word spreads and the world is really a small place), abusing your body with alcohol and cigarettes, and generally not taking care of yourself, what kind of a guy would want to be with you? A guy ideally wants a girl who values herself. Not someone who acts in a cheap manner because she believes it’s “cool.”

All in all, it’s hard to be a good girlfriend but really easy to be a bad one. I’ve made my share of mistakes in my past but now I know better. A good girlfriend, in general, will make her boyfriend feel loved, comfortable, and safe in the relationship. A bad girlfriend will make her boyfriend feel frustrated, jealous, and worried. 

Good guys are hard to come by, really. TRUST ME. So if you want to get yourself a good man, start by being a good girl. Because even though you may think guys are immature and oblivious to their surroundings, they’re actually really observant. And oftentimes enough, even the best of guys will run out of patience and leave you if you don’t get your act together.